give freely

Vulnerability, Expectations, and Being “Used”

I've been thinking about vulnerability

Recently I watched a TED Talk by Brené Brown from a few years ago. She talked about connection, and mostly she talked about vulnerability. You can watch the short talk here:

 

As I was pondering the things Brené said in her talk, I checked Facebook, and this image was in my news feed:

 

Users or friends?

 

I thought a lot about what, to me, seems like a conflict between the truths in the TED Talk and the truths in this quote.

Where I landed was this: There are people whose motives in “befriending” you may not be transparent. So what? Will you let that define the type of person you will be?

I think of this in the context of the teaching I've heard on Brooke Castillo‘s excellent and thought-provoking Life Coach School Podcast. (Well worth listening to.) At the risk of doing her profound teachings an injustice, I'll paraphrase the key lesson I've taken from her:

Whatever is happening in your life, or whatever happens to you, your problem is never (never) your circumstances. It's what you think about your circumstances. So if you're feeling badly about a situation in your life, don't look at the situation, but examine what thoughts you're having about the situation, because those thoughts (not the situation) are what are causing the bad feelings you're experiencing.

This is good news. Really. Because while you can't always change your situation–and you almost never can change another person–you always, always, always have the ability to change your thoughts (and therefore your feelings).

This is very relevant to the issue of a friendships and whether a person is “using” you–and what to do about it.

To truly experience life means to be vulnerable to pain. To experience love (in all its forms, not just romantic love) means you have to open your heart to the possibility of hurt. Not a pleasant prospect.

But . . . no matter what another person's attitude or intentions might be, you can't be used or betrayed by another persogive freelyn if you give freely, out of an open heart, with no expectation of anything in return. The other person's motives are irrelevant to this issue, I believe.

I'm not saying we should have no boundaries, or that we should never say no to anyone. We still get to choose who has a place in our lives and in our hearts.

What I'm saying is that if we made that choice to have someone in our lives, and if we choose to give of ourselves to that person, the only thing that matters to us is our own motives. Not theirs.

If you feel you've been used or betrayed by someone in your life, pause for a moment and consider: Does it matter (really) what they've done, or what they intended? Those things are a problem for you only to the extent you expected something from that person that you did not receive. Dwelling on unfulfilled expectations can cause feelings of pain, sorrow, anger, and more. An unhappy way to live.

But the good news is that there's another way to look at it. You get to choose what you think about the person and the situation. You get to choose to open your hands and your heart and just give whatever you give–friendship, time, support, whatever–with no expectation of ever getting anything back from them.

Hard to do. Impossible? No. But really hard.

But the benefits are immeasurable. Peace of mind instead of turmoil and hurt feelings.

Every time I find myself aching over the loss of a friend, or angry or hurt by the “betrayal” of a person who I thought cared about me, I'm trying to stop, realize that those hurt feelings come from disappointed expectations–my own thoughts. I gave to this person, yes. But did I give freely, or did I give expecting something back?

If I can choose to let go of any expectations, I can choose to think differently about this person and about the situation. And in so choosing, my hurt feelings go away. I can simply be grateful for the opportunity to be the kind of generous, open-hearted, loving person I very much want to be.

What do you think? 

Thanks for stopping by.

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Greenville, Texas

I Was Just Thinking . . .

Podcast: The Productive Woman

Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog

Twitter: @LauraMcMom

Email me

write!

What’s Stopping You?

This morning I was listening to a podcast whose host was talking to a woman about what was holding her back from pursuing her dreams. The woman's dream? To write. She said she has wanted to write since she was a kid and she was afraid it might never happen. (Or something like that.)

And what I thought, as I listened, was, “What's stopping you?”write!

Anybody can write. If your dream is to write, then write. All you need is a piece of paper and something to write with, and you can write, write, write, write, write. Nobody can stop you.

Nobody should ever have an unfulfilled dream to write, because you can write any time you want to. So if you are (I am) saying that you/I have an unfulfilled dream of writing, then what you are (I am) really saying is, “I want to be published.” Which is a different thing entirely.

If your dream is to write, then get at it, my dear. Pick up your pen, boot up your MacBook, and get to writing.

Dream fulfilled.

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Dallas, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Podcast: The Productive Woman
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom
Email me

Three Words for a New Year

Do you make new year's resolutions? Or set ambitious goals at the beginning of the year?

I'm one who finds myself drawn to milestone days–the first of the year, the first of a month, a birthday, an anniversary. I use those milestone days as reminders to look back, and look forward, to take stock, re-evaluate the path I'm on, and make adjustments. In past years I've used the last week or so of the year to make lists of resolutions, some of which I've kept and others of which have faded before the calendar turned to February. The past couple of years I've found meaning in the “One Word” trend, with my words being grace one year, gratitude another.

This year I've modified that approach a bit. Inspired by some articles written by writer/thinker/business coach Chris Brogan, I've instead settled on three words that will serve as guides and touchstones for 2015. I encourage you to click on Chris's name (or here) for his post explaining the concept behind this approach. The gist of it is that the three words create focus for the goals I set, the choices I make, and the projects I undertake for this year.

Fog on the Alps

I spent much of December 2014 thinking and praying about this new year, and seeking guidance for what my three words should be.

The three words that I chose are: Connect. Build. Simplify.

Each of these words has many meanings and applications for me. Some are deeply personal and won't be shared with anybody. But as examples of how they are shaping my thinking, here are some of the ways I see these words being applied in my life in 2015:

Connect

  1. Connect with Mike – communicate better, travel together, be more intentional about making time for each other
  2. Connect with God – more time reading the Bible, praying, listening
  3. Connect with clients – better and more focused service, more thoughtfully targeted business development activities
  4. Connect with the TPW (The Productive Woman) community (listeners, prospective guests, other podcasters)
  5. Connect with friends – travel to visit? more intentional and consistent communications
  6. Connect with myself – my passions (what do I really want?), my fears (what am I really afraid of and trying to avoid facing?)
  7. Connect with the present – be in the moment more, celebrating and enjoying my life and experiences as I'm in the middle of them, instead of always looking for something different or looking to the future)
  8. Connect with family

Build

  1. Build my faith
  2. Build my character – do the right things more consistently, exercise self-control
  3. Build my relationships
  4. Build my health
  5. Build a sustainable life (by being more realistic and disciplined in spending time and money)
  6. Build a business
  7. Build a writing career

Simplify

  1. Possessions
  2. Needs
  3. Workflows
  4. Start weeding out stuff
  5. Focus on the people and things that really matter
  6. Identify what matters, and pursue that, letting everything else drop away
  7. By connecting with my true passions and fears (see above), I can quit filling up my life and mind and time with things that (inadequately) compensate for not pursuing my passions and that (ineffectively) distract from the things I'm afraid of

The lists above are not my goals. They are my thoughts on how each of the words can be applied in my life. These are the source–as I said above, the touchstones–to which I will return regularly as I formulate and evaluate my goals for this year.

I've written these words on sticky notes and put them in various places to remind me of my focus. I've written them at the top of the big year-at-a-glance calendar posted on the wall near my computer. I will be thinking about them often, journaling about them as I draw out exactly what each means for me, this year.

What about you?

Do you make new year's resolutions? Choose a word? Some other approach to starting the new year off right? If you want to, share in the comments so we can encourage each other. Or send me an email.

I look forward to hearing from you, and to sharing the adventure of life with you in 2015.

Happy new year!

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Dallas, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Podcast: The Productive Woman
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom
Email me

The Productive Woman MOVES

© Olivier26 | Dreamstime.com

© Olivier26 | Dreamstime.com

How's your week going? Me, I'm going through a few growing pains. It's overwhelming and wonderful to see the good reception The Productive Woman podcast has had, but a little scary as I ponder where it all might be going. This week the podcast moved to its own website over at the Noodle.mx podcast network site. If you normally listen to it here online, you can still do that–just click on over the The Productive Woman at its site, and you can listen to it there and see the show notes. Of course, you can also subscribe to The Productive Woman in iTunes or subscribe in Stitcher!

Blog SizeEpisode 16 of The Productive Woman podcast picks up where episode 14 left off, and outlines a step-by-step process for decluttering your home (or office), one room at a time. I hope you'll take the time to listen and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I'm working hard at the final manuscript edits of Do No Harm, having promised one of my favorite (and most encouraging and supportive) authors that I would wrap up the two-year-long writing/editing process and send the manuscript to the requesting agent before Christmas of this year. I can't break my promise to Susie!

Now that the podcast has moved to its own site, I'll be focusing on other topics in the blog here. In the near future I'll be posting a short survey to invite your input on the blog, the website, and how I can best serve you. I look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, have a great week!

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Greenville, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Podcast: The Productive Woman
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom
Email me

The Productive Woman 015 – Dealing With Discouragement [podcast]

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We'll pick up in a future episode on our mini-series on decluttering, but this week I thought I'd share a little of my heart on something I've been dealing with lately–discouragement. It can interfere with our productivity and our quality of life in general, but there are some things we can do to disable its power over us.

Tool of the Week:

The Ben Franklin Day Planner Template for Moleskine; created by Bob Stanke based on the day planner method reportedly used by Benjamin Franklin. Check out the YouTube video explaining what it is and how you can use it. You can buy the template for $1.99 at Bob Stanke's website.

 

Topic of the Week: Dealing With Discouragement

 

Why do we get discouraged?

An article by Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church in California (see the reference below), suggests:

  • Fatigue
  • Frustration
  • Failure
  • Fear

And I toss in another one: hormones.

What effect can discouragement have on us?
  • It can derail us from accomplishing the things we care about
  • It can isolate us
What are some steps we can take to overcome discouragement?
  • Rest
  • Reorganize our lives to get a better handle on the overload that's getting us down
  • Ask for help
  • Take some time to journal how we're feeling, what's causing it, what we might do to change those causes
  • Stop comparing ourselves to others!
  • Focus our thinking on positive, encouraging things – check out the quotes at the WomenWorking.com Facebook page
  • Cultivate a grateful heart – celebrate the small accomplishments
  • Turn your focus to someone else – find someone to help or encourage

Some great resources to look at:

 

Your turn: Do you feel discouraged sometimes? How do you deal with discouragement? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Subscribe to The Productive Woman in iTunes or subscribe in Stitcher, and join the conversation at The Productive Woman on Facebook. And don't forget to check out the other podcasts that make you think, laugh, and succeed at Noodle.mx!

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Greenville, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom
Email me