What Does It Mean to Forgive?

Forgiveness: the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

When someone you care about hurts you, or you hurt them, the wounded person has a choice:

  1. forgive,
  2. stay and punish the offender, or
  3. walk away.

If the relationship is worth keeping, then forgiveness is the only choice.

But what does it mean to forgive?

forgiveness_2The dictionary tells us that to forgive means to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake” or to “cancel a debt.”

Wikipedia says that “Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”

Both of these definitions refer to a change in feelings–the giving up of anger and resentment. Not easy at all. Human emotions are powerful things.

It's a process.

It's a choice. Intentional and voluntary.

And once the heat of initial hurt and anger are past, the choice to forgive–which is the choice to preserve the relationship–is relatively easy. (That is, the choice to begin the process of forgiving is easy. Certainly it takes time, intention, and effort.)

The harder question, though, is whether the memory of the “forgiven” offense will change the nature of the relationship going forward.

How often have you heard someone say, “I've forgiven, but I haven't forgotten”? How often have you said it yourself? I know I have. Usually what we mean is we “forgive” the person who's hurt us, but we won't let ourselves forget, because we must protect ourselves against future hurt. We're not going to demand justice and we're going to stay in the relationship, but we'll make darned sure that person doesn't hurt us again. By definition, we are putting up walls intended to protect ourself against this person we care about enough to keep him or her in our life.

But what does that act of self-preservation do to the relationship? Is the relationship forever changed? Are we keeping that person at a distance in order to protect ourselves against pain?

When we say “I forgive, but I don’t forget,” are we really forgiving?

Does truly forgiving an offense really mean we don’t take it into account at all in our interactions with the “forgiven” person?

That’s how God forgives—when his holy nature is offended by my sin, he chooses to forgive and to forget.

Heb. 8:12: “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

 

Psalm 103:11-12: “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

When God forgives, the offense no longer has any effect on the relationship between the forgiver (God) and the forgiven (us).

In Isaiah 43:25, God tells his people this: “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sin no more.” He says he does this for his own sake (maybe because he values the relationship and wants to sustain it?)–he chooses to not just forgive, but to blot out the offenses and remember them no more.

Is there a difference between forgetting and “remembering no more”? Is it that forgetting is something that happens to you, an almost involuntary event that occurs as time passes, but to “remember no more” is a voluntary act, just like the act of forgiving? God chooses to remember no more. He chooses to put the memory of the offense away and never look at it again. That's so different from the way we act–we allow the memory to return, and we rehearse it, turn it over in our minds, actually relive it.

If our standard of behavior is God (rather than each other), it's reasonable to assume that his approach is how we should respond when someone wrongs us: forgive and forget. But are we humans even capable of this? Certainly we can make the choice to forgive, to do the hard, hard work of purposely surrendering our anger and resentment, to welcome the offender into our lives and to actually stop thinking of him/her as an offender. These things are an act of the will, and we can control our will. We can choose. It's a process, certainly. Because we are human, the wounds continue to hurt, and we must choose, over and over again, to forgive, to let the feelings of hurt go.

But even if we've done that, can we follow God's example and forgive to the extent that we no longer take the (forgiven) offense into account in our interactions with that person, that it no longer colors our perceptions of who this person is and where this person fits in our life and in our heart?

I don't know.

But what’s the alternative? If we can’t truly forgive, can the relationship survive? Or does it become something else, something less than it was before the offense occurred?

And if so, are we okay with that?

What do you think? How do you deal with the process of forgiving (and forgetting?) the offenses of the people you love? What happens to a relationship if we choose to forgive but not forget?

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Greenville, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom

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Blog Hop! A Little About My Writing

I've been invited to participate in a “blog hop”! The assignment is to write a post that answers four specific questions about my writing, and then tag three other writers who will do the same in their blogs. Be sure to see the links at the end to their blogs–you'll want to get to know these amazing ladies! Thank you to Sandy Ardoin for inviting me to be part of this. You can find Sandy's answers to these questions on her blog. In the meantime, here are my answers:

Kangaroo

What are you working on?  I am still working on my first novel. Do No Harm is women’s fiction, the story of a young female obstetrician who’s struggling to overcome the trauma of a delivery gone very wrong, while trying to fit in with the women of the church where her husband is the new worship pastor. I wrote the first words of this manuscript in 2012, and if anybody had told me then that I’d still be working on it in May 2014 … I probably would’ve cried. But here I am, plugging away, word by word, trying to get it right.

I’m also working on capturing some ideas for a second novel, and trying to be more consistent about blogging. All this is in my “free” time outside my day job.

How does your work differ from others in its genre?  I’ve often asked myself that question. One of the things I struggle with most in my writing is the feeling that everything worth saying has already been said, more than once, by better writers than I. But I’ve been reminded multiple times that no one else will say things quite the way I do, because I bring my own perspective, colored by my lifetime experiences. So there’s that.

I think my work also might differ in that I try very hard to be honest and transparent, to not skirt the tough issues. My goal in all my writing, fiction and nonfiction, is to tell the truth, because I really do believe that the truth will set us free.

Why do you write what you do?  I write the things I want to read. I write to explore the questions I have about life and human relationships, because I need to believe that I’m not the only one who feels the way I do, and I hope that by telling the truth as I see it, somebody else will feel a little less alone.

How does your writing process work?  My writing process works s-l-o-w-l-y. I have to make time for writing while still practicing law full-time and trying to be a decent wife and mother.

Do No Harm started as a question–the proverbial “what if?”–that turned into a stack of index cards. On each card I wrote one little sentence or idea for a scene or an event. Then after I had a good-sized stack, I sorted them into an order that made sense, then copied the scene ideas into Scrivener (the app I use for writing), and I just started writing, one scene at a time, fumbling for words as I tried to find my story, get to know my characters. I generally try to write from the first scene through to the end, but sometimes the next scene in order just isn’t there for me, so I’ll look through the list of scene ideas and pick one that catches my eye.

I have an overactive internal editor who sits on my shoulder when I write, telling me what I’m writing is stupid and badly written. To shut him up, sometimes I’ll set a timer and just start writing the first words that come into my head, as fast as I can, without stopping or editing or correcting. I’ve learned that the purpose of a first draft is to get words on paper. They don’t have to be pretty; they just have to be written.

Once I have paragraphs, pages, scenes, chapters written, I can edit them. I LOVE editing. Moving words around, playing with sentence rhythms, finding a better word, a better way to say what I’m trying to say.

Tag, You're It!

I’ve enlisted three of my favorite writer friends to pick up the hop from here. Sometime in the next couple of weeks each of them will answer the same four questions in their respective blogs. Be sure to watch for their posts. They are:

  • Amory Cannon writes romantic suspense as Amryn Cross. She and I met through the American Christian Fiction Writers’ big online critique group, so I had the privilege of reading some of her wonderful work-in-progress early on. Her debut novel, Learning to Die, will release in September 2014. Amory/Amryn blogs on her very cool website. Watch for her answers to the four questions there in the next week or so.
  • Laura Hilton will post her answers at her blog. Laura leads the small critique group I’ve been privileged to be a part of for the last couple of years. She writes wonderful Amish fiction, and has published several novels in that genre. I’ll confess that I’d never been a fan of Amish fiction until I started reading Laura’s chapters–she adds humor and a bit of sauce to the genre that makes it tremendously appealing.
  • Dana McNeely is a semifinalist in the American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis contest in the historical category. She's been such an encourager to me in my writing journey, so I'm excited to see where her writing is taking her. Watch for her answers to these questions in a few days on the Christian Writers of the West blog.

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Greenville, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom
Email me

Nerdy McNerdnik Goes to the Big City

I realized this week that I will never be sophisticated or cool.

Yes, I’m sure if you know me you are thinking, “No kidding.”

But after 15-plus years practicing law at a big-city law firm, I was still holding out hope. I mean, my colleagues and clients are a lot of well educated, smart, sophisticated, cool people, and I thought perhaps someday some of it would rub off on this small town girl.

But no.

This week I traveled to New York City to attend a charity function with clients. The gala (dress code “festive cocktail attire”–what in the world does that mean!?) took place in the Grand Ballroom of the venerable and historic Waldorf=Astoria Hotel on Park Avenue, so that’s where my firm’s travel person booked my room for the night (at the corporate discount rate, of course). Waldorf_Astoria_Hotel

I’ve traveled a fair amount since becoming a lawyer, and have had the privilege of staying in some beautiful hotels. I don’t really ever get used to it. I certainly don’t take it for granted. I do, however, try not to gawk or to act like the hick that I am.

But when I walked in to the Waldorf’s ornate, beautiful lobby, I started to cry. It took a few moments for me to compose myself enough to check in. It was more than the elegance, beauty, and imposing size of the place. I simply felt overwhelmed by the fact that this truck driver’s daughter was staying at this grand hotel where kings and presidents and notables from all over the world have stayed. I felt incredibly grateful for all God has done in my life from the time I was that little girl growing up in western Washington’s tiny logging towns. Main Lobby

Add to that my status as an Extreme History Nerd. I kept thinking, “I am walking through the very same lobby where world leaders and celebrities have walked, in a place where people have come to make history.” It almost made me feel giddy to imagine what it was like to be those people in that place. I wandered around enjoying the beauty and the atmosphere, watching people moving through the lobby, gathering in groups to talk, and I imagined their stories. I reveled in the displays, tucked into a corner of the immense lobby, of historic Waldorf furnishings, dishes, menus, and photos, chronicling the hotel’s front-and-center role in the city’s and world’s life. Sigh. (I’m thinking there will be a Waldorf-set scene, or a whole story, in a book I write someday.) waldorfastoria_v5_460x285

Anyway, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m too much of a nerd, and still too awed by places like the Waldorf=Astoria, to ever qualify as cool. But I’m okay with that. I’d rather be awed and grateful than sophisticated and complacent any day. It was a blessing to be part of that world for a day.

By the way, the charity that was benefitted by the gala I attended is Project Sunshine, a program that provides support and services for pediatric patients and their parents. A worthwhile cause if ever I’ve seen one. Check it out here, and consider getting involved. 

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Greenville, Texas
I Was Just Thinking . . .
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Twitter: @LauraMcMom

Email me